Avengers Incident Number 215
by FandomUnleashed204
Summary: After a little pest problem and calling the exterminator, the Avengers return to their facility to find one horrible mess at the hands of an intruder known as Wade Wilson... And the two days' worth of security footage for his one-man reign of terror. Let the viewing begin!
1. Chapter 1: What just happened?

**Dear readers-**

 **Hello there, I have absolutely no idea what I'm doing. Now that we've established that, let me just say a few things:**

 **1\. I do not own Deadpool, the Avengers, or any other things referenced to in this fic.  
** **2\. I write for fun.  
** **3\. It all started when I wondered what would happen if Deadpool broke into the Avengers facility, just because he was bored. And his microwave was broken.**

 **Shall we begin?**

* * *

The Avengers facility in upstate New York was now officially empty of vermin. As the bright red WW Pest Control van finally screeched its way off the property, the building was re-opened.

"Finally. Hope he didn't touch the fridge... Or the bar... Or anything besides his stuff and dead rats, really." drawled Tony Stark, stepping out of a limo and handing the driver some money and a tip.

Natasha, who had arrived half a minute before him, raised her eyebrows at the sight of his ride. "A limo, Tony? Are ever going to take one of your own cars?"

"Not unless Fury stops yelling at me for speeding around here. What's the point of having so many of them if you can't show them off?"

Someone cleared their throat behind them. Tony turned around, startled. Natasha merely smirked.

"Speak of the devil," Tony muttered, unsurprised to see Director Fury standing nearby as if he had been there the whole time.

"Director." Natasha nodded, suspecting that something was up. Nicholas Fury was not a man who visited merely for the sake of visiting. "What's going on?"

Fury merely looked at them and said, "There was a security breach while everyone was away. Looks like William Wesson, the exterminator, was not who we thought he was. We left you the footage and have a few cleaning crews on the way." With that, SHIELD's director walked away. "Thank God I don't live here."

Tony and Natasha locked eyes and dashed for the entrance.


	2. Chapter 2: The first victim

The first of the Avengers gathered in the lounge outside of their rooms. Needless to say, it was completely trashed. The massive flat screen was still on and showing a cheesy rom-com and had a tomato slowly sliding down it. Wrappers, boxes, and other remains of practically every kind of take-out known to man littered the room while graffiti in red, black, and white spray paint depicting many small, unfamiliar logos screamed for attention from the walls. _Deadpool was here_ , proclaimed the wall above the couch in black and red, pointing at a spot on the couch below with a red arrow. Various hanging photos and memorabilia had been 'redecorated' in sharpie in a very childish manner- with monocles, eyepatches, hats, facial hair, and so on drawn on the glass. As for the floor, it was covered in enough odd stains to qualify as an imitation of a Jackson Pollock painting. And the smell was being taken care of by Steve Rogers and Clint Barton, who were cleaning off the couches and spraying Febreeze.

"Thank God- he didn't touch the bar!" exclaimed Tony. With a whoop, he plopped on a newly cleared spot on the couch. The two paused their work on the mess. "Nice to see you too, Stark." murmured Steve, who continued cleaning off the couches, putting the trash in one of two bags he was carrying. Hawkeye shrugged. "A thank you would have sufficed. By the way, we finished picking up all of the bottles. Nobody can say no to a bar fully stocked by Tony Stark."

Tony scowled and walked over to the bar, which was likewise stained and covered in leftovers. He spotted a note where the beer _would_ have been. He picked it up and read it. "Good booze. -DP." He checked the other damages to his alcohol supplies- 5 missing bottles of flavored vodka (Seasonal ones that Pepper had saved for the team, a few drink mixes here and there, and, for some reason, all of the olive and pickle jars. But thankfully Tony's favorite whiskey was spared. He poured a glass of it and sat down with the team, pulling one of his tablets out of the drawer to pull up the security footage for the day they left and the 'exterminator' arrived. Natasha was already on her entire couch (When did she sneak in here?) while the guys piled on the couch in front of the TV. The tomato unceremoniously dropped to the floor.

"Where's Banner?" Tony asked. Natasha sighed, having been told by the other two why he wasn't here. "He was the one that walked in here with Steve, but it was almost Big Green that left the room once he saw what happened. He should be back from outside soon." As if right on cue, Bruce Banner calmly walked in. The rest of the team flinched when they saw that he was surveying the room. But nothing happened- Banner just sat down in one of the armchairs scattered around the room, picking the one next to the main couch. "Good afternoon. Sorry about earlier, this was not what I was expecting to come back to," he said.

"It's alright, Bruce. Fury didn't warn us well enough when we came in," replied Steve, welcoming him with a similarly apologetic smile.

Tony snorted, ready to get the show on the road. "The gang's all here, then. Except for Vision and Little Red Riding Hood. Might as well see what the clown who jacked the place up even did."

"This should be fun," said Barton with a snicker, "I might get some ideas for April Fools. I wonder what I can send by post to an Asgardian prison cell without getting caught."

With that, Tony tapped away on the tablet and rewound the security footage to the day they left the facility, just after noon.

* * *

 **12:04 pm. Day One of Deadpool in the facility.** **Just outside.**

 _Tony is giving strict instructions and keys to a tall man with a farmer's tan and a handlebar mustache. The exterminator is, rather oddly, wearing beaten jeans and a green windbreaker on a relatively warm day. The man shakes hands with Tony and accepts keys in hands gloved for using chemicals. He makes a few trips between his van and the building, carrying sealed blue tubs labeled for various tools of the trade. When everyone is gone, the man hauls everything into the lounge and sets it down. He then pulls off the green gloves and strips off the clothes._

"You've got to be kidding me. Did he seriously wear nothing in here?" complained Clint. Tony just paused the footage and took a long swig of his drink...

Only to spit it out. "What the hell was that?" Tony sputtered angrily, looking at the bottle. Nothing was wrong with it at first, but he turned it over to look at the ingredients. What he found almost surprised him. Almost. Deadpool had scribbled something over all of it. "One hundred percent pure, unfiltered urine from the finest source on Earth: Deadpool! May or may not make Tony Stark puke." Tony made a disgusted noise and stormed off to his room to go find some mouthwash while the rest of the team stayed silent. When he was almost out of earshot, the remaining Avengers in the room burst out into laughter. Clint was rolling on the floor laughing with tears in his eyes, not even bothering to gracefully recover from the initial fall from the couch. Steve was clutching his stomach and smacking his hand on the armrest so hard that his entire side of the couch was about to collapse. Natasha was gleefully giggling at Stark's misfortune. Banner was just red-faced and chuckling- not even close to looking green. They were beginning to recover and compose themselves for Iron Man's return. But when they heard him scream like an upset Kardashian, they collapsed back into laughter all over again.


	3. Chapter 3: The First Victim, Continued

**Author's Note: I decided to set this with the team sometime before Civil War, except with Banner and without Thor. And I kind of decided to customize the Avengers facility a bit, so sorry if it's not perfect. Thanks, readers!**

* * *

Tony's room looked like a very immature tornado of a person swept through it after only eating or drinking sugar and caffeine. And then jumped on his bed while swinging a sword around. Anyone would scream like a very, very upset toddler if they saw the results of having Deadpool do whatever he wanted in their room for two days straight. It was a very similar scene to the lounge, except obviously rigged up with pranks and newly themed to piss Iron Man off. He had left a suit of armor in its own closet, it was one of the newer versions he was still working with. He didn't want to leave it in the lab, but he probably should have. Deadpool (whoever he was) probably wouldn't have gone there during his two days of mayhem. The suit was redecorated to just red and black with spray paint. There was some white right over where the eyes were supposed to be, and that was surrounded by black. Tony took in the torn up blankets, shredded pillows (feathers were _everywhere_ ), cheap Mexican leftovers on the floor, his ruined-ish suit, and the rest of the mess and just lost it. He stepped forward into his room, opening his mouth to yell for JARVIS, call Pepper, and set off a tripwire that set off a few other things in under a second. A net dropped on him, covered in honey, and then some feathers and red glitter dropped onto him as well. Tony, startled, let out a loud screeching noise as he fell to the ground and noticed a camera set up across the room. To his dismay, it was recording and obviously sending the video somewhere, probably to the Deadpool guy. To make things worse, he could hear everyone start laughing their heads off all over again in the lounge. What really put the icing on the whole hellish cake of it all was that he was too dumbstruck and panicked to do anything but struggle instead of logically slip out somehow. And he could hear the footsteps of his teammates approaching. The things he would do to Deadpool if he got his hands on him...

* * *

The rest of the Avengers were finishing up howling with laughter when they decided to check on Tony at Bruce's request. Tony was yelling something about "...getting this thing off of me!"

"Tony isn't back yet, should we go see if he's alright?" asked Banner.

Cap nodded and replied, "What would he do without us? Plus, we should grab snacks. I never thought I'd say this, but the poor guy could use some help and maybe a drink."

The group got up and moved quickly and quietly to Stark's room and saw him trapped under a very sticky net, some feathers, and for some reason, heaps of red glitter just past the doorway of his very messy room. He was as red as the glitter, shaking with anger and embarrassment and shouting for them and Pepper and JARVIS. The group was just as shocked as he was. Natasha's face went pale, then red, then returned to her usual relaxed, emotionless mask. If Steve and Bruce's eyebrows went up any higher, they could probably have reached the ceiling. Both were shocked, but Banner more so than Steve. As for Clint, he was physically shaking, trying desperately to hold back his thinly disguised laughter. With trembling hands in the back of the group, he just raised his phone high, and the flash and snapping sound alerted everyone to him taking a picture. Then all hell broke loose.

* * *

Clint ran for the lounge laughing, tears streaming down his face while Nat yelled after him, slipping into her native Russian in a scolding, angry tone. Steve pulled the net off of Tony and Banner helped him up, with Tony cussing like a sailor after Hawkeye and raving about Deadpool and pranks and if he ever caught him how he would do something like drop him into an active volcano after blasting his face off. Banner was saying a lot of things in a soothing tone to Tony while Steve helped haul him into the bathroom, finding a large bottle of mouthwash in a cabinet behind the sink after Tony told it to open. Steve opened it and poured some into the cap and handed it to Tony. He was now cooling down enough to accept it and use it, but he chugged it instead, to Banner's horror. "That's where the whiskey went," Tony said with a groan, trying to snatch the whole bottle from Steve. Steve just lifted it out of his reach and said, "Go easy, Tony. There's no way you could handle this better drunk than not. Come back out and I'll get you a glass." Tony reluctantly followed his teammates out to the lounge again, still pissed and red-faced.

In the lounge, Natasha had somehow gotten ahold of Hawkeye's phone, but couldn't do anything with it because he was struggling to get it back. She had him pinned face down on the floor, but he was still trying to escape and recover his phone. Steve sat Tony down on the couch, got out a new glass, poured him a smaller drink to start, got rid of the fake stuff, and gave it to Tony while Banner played hostage negotiations with the two master spies. Natasha eventually relented, settling back down on her couch. She still remained uncontested for ownership of it (one does not simply touch the Black Widow's stuff). Steve threw Tony a bag of chips (plain, the only ones left) from the bar and found some peanuts to share with Banner. He wandered over to the kitchen to inspect the damages and see what was left.

* * *

The nearby mini-kitchen was still a messy work in progress. Rhodey, Sam, and Pepper would probably lose it if they saw what Deadpool did to their personal snacks. He ate most of Rhodey's personal tub of guacamole but still left it open in the fridge, demolished Sam's collection of assorted Pringles, and finished off Pepper's not-so-secret supply of fancy little desserts. He even had the nerve to leave behind a half-eaten strawberry in their place on a plate. Steve grimaced. Violation of snack rules (if marked or known to be someone else's, don't touch) meant that everyone else could eat yours, at least according to Tony. Now it was _really_ getting personal. Cap deemed it that bad of a day to bring out his hidden supply of snack cakes. Processed, frosted, and basically just sugar, they were his main weakness food-wise in this century. As bad as they were, they were still addictive and often swiped. It was getting so bad that Steve had to move them every couple of days. Natasha was decent enough to leave I.O.U. notes and bags of foreign candies she took home from missions every time she had some, but otherwise he had no idea who owed him their food and how much of it they owed him, but he had a sneaking suspicion that Thor owed him his entire stash of coffee and Hawkeye was probably millions of calories in snack debt. Steve snatched up a pie sent from Clint's wife, all of the snack cakes from their hiding place, some plates, and enough chips to feed a small army (which the Avengers pretty much were, they would probably go through them all). He brought the impressive spread of sweets and junk food back into the lounge and set them all down on the coffee table in the center of the lounge. "C'mon Tony, just hit play so we can get this over with," he said. Tony swiped a few of his snack cakes with a quiet "Thanks." and hit play.

* * *

 **12:06 pm. Day One of Deadpool in the facility. The Lounge.**

 _Deadpool finishes taking off the regular clothes to reveal a red-and-black suit. He pulls his face, a mask, to reveal another one._

"Hey, look! He was wearing something underneath!" said Clint, relieved.

"Thanks, Captain Obvious. I wouldn't have known that." snarked Tony. Natasha shot him a look.

"Can we just get on with it?" she drawled in a nearly perfect Tony impression.

"Yes ma'am." the guys chorused.

 _Deadpool opens up the tub labeled Rat Poison and pulls out a utility belt, two pistols, and a set of twin katanas (I probably spelled that wrong). He puts on the belt and slips his weapons on his outfit: swords on his back and pistols at the waist. Deadpool looks around the room and spots all of the cameras in under five seconds._

Natasha sucked in a breath. He was pretty good at this, and that set off quite a few alarm bells in her head. Plus, she had a question to ask. "Tony, how did he not set off all of the security the minute he revealed himself?" Tony growled and replied, "I took off most of the security and alarms in the building so he would be free to work in any of the rooms here to get rid of the rats. If he started messing around with SHIELD information, selling international secrets, or anything that bad, then we would have been called back for a fight, along with every police officer, SHIELD agent, soldier, and SWAT team in the state. I didn't realize he could get away with some immature pranks while we were out." Natasha nodded for him to press play.

 _Deadpool looks to the camera with its film is currently showing for the Avengers. Based on the shifting of the mask, he's smiling. "Well hello there! It's your Uncle Deadpool and we're going to have a lot of fun over these next few days. Before we start, I'm hungry. Let's see how many chimichangas I can fit in a microwave without it blowing up. Hope Fury's freaks keep some good guac!" Deadpool opens up a container labeled "Rat Food" and pulls out a large box full of cheap Mexican food with "Chimis" scrawled on it. He trots over to the kitchen and stuffs one of the microwaves full of chimichangas and presses a couple buttons. "Remember kids, in order to trap a pest with food you must be a master baiter."_

"Did he just…" Banner lost what he was going to say. Tony and Clint were snickering, Cap's ears started going red, and Natasha shook her head with a disgusted look that did all of the talking for her. Sometimes the guys were too immature, but they couldn't and wouldn't top Deadpool in that.


	4. Chapter 4: Netflix and Snack Fight?

**Sorry, couldn't resist that last one. Deadpool has tried to make the joke before in the comics, but Phil Coulson beat him to it. Try** _ **Deadpool (#1-25 covered by volumes one and two)**_ **by Brian Posehn and Gerry Duggan to see what I mean. I love that series.** _ **Despicable Deadpool**_ **comes along sometime after that, I think. Shoutout to Jimmythereptile for the reviews, that's what makes me keep on writing. Thanks, guys!**

 **12:08 pm. Day one of Deadpool in the Avengers facility. The kitchen.**

 _Deadpool's chimichangas are reheating as the man himself is rooting through the fridge. "Guacamole!" he squeals in delight, pulling out the dip. Deadpool sets it on the counter and starts humming a very catchy tune he knows is sure to annoy anyone watching. He notices something else in the fridge to eat and pulls out a tub of sour cream, some shredded cheese, and Tony's sriracha. He then starts rooting around through the snacks in the cabinets. "Oooh, chips for later. Too bad there's no poker to play." Deadpool laughs at his own stupid joke and returns to humming annoying songs. When the chimichangas are finished, he takes all of 'his' food into the lounge and finds the tablet that qualifies as a remote and opens Netflix on the TV. While waiting for it to load, he takes off his shoes and socks and reclines on the couch, shoving a chimichanga into his mouth. He pours sour cream and sriracha out on the crammed plates and starts dipping his food into each puddle. The Avengers' Netflix accounts load up onscreen. The camera recording all of this switches to one in the highest corner of the room that has a good view of the screen, and sadly, Deadpool's revolting feet. The 'little skin problem' of his isn't helping either, to say the least._

"Is it just me or can you see the stink lines? Deadpool probably hasn't had a pedicure in ages." Clint cracked.

"You can see the tissue from here. What happened to his skin?" said Banner, who was starting to look green- but not in the " _HULK SMASH!"_ way.

"Not even a dermatologist I was paying could fix that," remarked Tony as the footage continued.

 _Deadpool is trying to decide which account to use (and make fun of). He scrolls between each, with their own labels. It's pretty evident that Tony was the one who set it up, with some 'help' from Clint. The accounts were for Black Widow, Big Green (Hulk got his own, not to be confused with Banner's), Science Bro, Capsicle, Katniss (double parody, Tony's fault), Tonyis a dirty little aakddlblcxryckvibpf (from when Clint went to get revenge), Head2Big4HisHelmet (from when Clint got revenge), Birdbrain (Tony was able to slip it in), HumanPincushion (Clint's rebuttal), NotTony (Tony's actual account), NotHawkeye (Clint's actual account), TheBartonBunch (for Clint's family, Tony's idea), and finally Pepper. Deadpool is laughing himself silly at the account names. He says something too quietly to be picked up on audio recording, and logs out and back in under his own account. He scrolls through old, new, and never-before-seen content before clicking over to the search on the tablet._

Tony let out a low whistle. Deadpool had just about what they had going for themselves with his Netflix. "How did he…" he began, but noticed Deadpool was saying something to the camera.

" _I know, right? Someone other than the stainless steel human cockroach and his little friends has some really good Netflix. Not telling you how I got it, though. Or how I knew you had a rat problem. Tricks of the trade. Also, chimichangas. Doesn't this place get food delivered for free thanks to Shellhead? I feel like eating in today… and tomorrow... and the day after that. Thanks again, Tin Can!" Deadpool went on to type in The Avengers to the search._

The team was expecting a documentary, or maybe a spoof by some infamous comedian. They definitely weren't expecting a _movie_ of the same name. It was too late to see the details of it before Deadpool hit the play button. The team paused the footage and began to -quite understandably- freak out.

"We have a movie? Why didn't you tell us, Stark?" called Clint, setting his pie down on the coffee table. "We definitely don't, unless it's a crappy knockoff from another country," Tony answered absentmindedly, too busy thinking about whether it was an elaborate prank or hoax from Deadpool or a legitimate movie and what the consequences of each would be. It looked like Dr. Banner was also pondering the existence of such a thing, with his face screwed up in concentration as he nervously chewed away at a potato chip. The room was perfectly still until Steve leaned forward to take one of the last two snack cakes, catching Nat's eye, who crept forward, but that alerted Hawkeye, so he started inching closer to the last treat, but that alerted Tony, and being the competitive attention-seeker he was, he likewise started to scoot for it. But he made too much noise while getting off the couch and adopting a crouch similar to the two spies, and Bruce's head snapped up as he took in the scene. Everyone but Cap waged a silent war with predatory stares as if they were wolves sizing each other up before fighting over a kill. Steve sighed, saying, "If you can't decide who gets the last one, then I'll have it myself," and made a casual reach for it.

Poor Steve.

Clint yelled and grabbed it, but Natasha was quick enough to pin his arm to the table and try to ambitiously swipe the sweets from both him and Steve, who still had the other one. Tony went for the one she was trying to pry from Rogers with her left arm, but Hawkeye grabbed him at the waist while kicking under Nat's arm, sending the treat flying. Banner barely caught it, in shock at his luck. He jumped up and made a run for the kitchen, looking for a temporary hiding spot for his new prize. Natasha had the other one but was being held by the arm in Steve's iron grip while he fended off Clint and made sure she didn't try what Bruce just pulled. Tony was chasing after Bruce in the hopes of getting a cake from him instead of from the assassin, archer, and super-soldier, who were all holding their own against one another. He wouldn't have stood a chance. "Bruce!" he called. Banner was pretty quick for a slightly scrawny scientist. Deciding that it was a rather flawed plan to stick around and hide the cake, he started opening it and ran, turning around to look at Tony. He wasn't looking where he was going and smacked into a wall, dropping the treat in surprise. Tony dropped and slid over the slick floor like he was sliding into home base, grabbed it while a green-tinged Bruce picked himself up, and jumped up to charge back to the living room. Banner caught him in a tackle, laughing like a madman, and grabbed the snack cake out of his hands. What ensued was a nearly endless cycle of the two tripping each other and swiping the treat, only to end when the other Avengers showed up. Back in the lounge, Clint was trying to get around Steve to Natasha, but he had transferred her onto his back. She didn't mind, she was just trying to open and eat the thing while she could. It was getting a lot harder to do that with Clint bouncing around and Cap turning to counter it and keep her (and the food) out of his reach. Nat decided that she was tired of this and wanted to finally eat the cake, so she kicked relentlessly at his gut. That had no effect, she was only doing it halfheartedly and he was simply too big to hurt like that. So she waited until Clint went to tackle Steve again (that wouldn't work either with the size advantage he had, even with Clint) and resorted to fighting dirty. She reached right for his neck with both hands, holding the package in her mouth, and started tickling. Steve froze in shock, started shaking and giggling uncontrollably, and loosened up enough for her to drop to the floor and head for the kitchen in search of the other one. In a few quick strides, Hawkeye crossed the room with Steve in tow. Acting quickly, Natasha leaped at Tony and Banner, trying to swipe the last treat left out of her grasp, but Hawkeye sprung forward at all three with a loud whoop. It quickly devolved from there into a massive dogpile. Tony wound up holding both before they went to Bruce and Clint, then Natasha went after Bruce's but the other two dragged her back enough for Steve to grab her and Tony by the ankles and pull them out of the pile. Steve confiscated the first of the treats from the two of them, but Clint wasn't going to give up his without a fight. He went to throw the (very squished) package but was tripped from behind by a vengeful Bruce, so his aim was off by a few feet.

The processed projectile perilously plunged from the peak of its path…

...and hit a very annoyed Nicholas Fury in the face.


	5. Chapter 5: A Fast and Fury-ous Visit

**Hello again, readers! Quick shout out to all of those who favorite, review, and follow, thank you! I would list your names but I don't think some of you would want them listed, so... Whatever! Thank you, though!**

 **A few quick things:**

 **Sorry for the very late update! Hopefully, I'll have the time soon to write more (and longer, this one's a bit small) chapters, and I think I might start an** _ **Incidents**_ **series for the Avengers if I can come up with more stuff. Also, what's the fun in an Avengers fanfic without Nick Fury? Have fun with this one!**

* * *

It bounced off of his eyepatch and fell. Fury stepped forward, squished it under his foot, grinding it into the floor for good measure, and scowled at the team. Caught like deer in headlights, it was all the Avengers could do not to start laughing, running, or both. Instinctively, Tony did what seemed to work best around SHIELD's director for him, personally- he blamed someone else. It took less than five seconds for everyone else to react. When Clint saw Tony pointing at him, he pointed at Tony with his left hand and Natasha with his right, crossing his arms to do so, but she was pointing at him. Banner just pointed at Tony, and to even things out, pointed at Natasha while she pointed at him with her free hand in return. Steve just put his hand to his face and started laughing into it, almost hysterically.

Fury upped his scowl to a glare for the entire team and crossed his arms with a "hmph".

"So I understand that this Deadpool imbecile somehow has access to footage of the events that almost destroyed New York City, and I'm guessing that _absolutely none of you have even bothered to so much as look at that part?_ " he stated in disappointed disbelief.

The Avengers looked away and started muttering various apologies and excuses. Fury exasperatedly sighed.

"I am in no mood to give a lecture today, but it is _your_ responsibility to review the footage and disable the practical jokes our overpaid houseguest left behind. Normally this would be left to our lower-level agents and newest recruits, but they can't seem to find that this isn't a laughing matter. Oh, and my _sincerest_ apologies, Stark, for your little mishap," Fury said with a very satisfied smirk. "It seems like the footage got leaked, but I deemed it safe to leave alone, as it isn't a matter of national security. Natasha?"

"Yes, sir?"

"Your room has been cleaned, no sign of any pranks, just some… Sub-par 'works of art' written for you. I hope you'll be pleased to know that a shredder, a bucket, some gasoline, and matches were left for you at your desk along with the 'evidence' I collected. Now, I have some urgent business to attend to, so if you'll excuse me…" With that, Nick Fury left the room, sweeping his signature black coat behind him in a somewhat intimidating manner. The man could make even kittens seem terrifying.

"He spoils you, Nat." Clint teased from behind the counter, where he had silently slunk to during Fury's mini-speech, inexplicably eating out of a jar of pickles.

"He does not," she replied with an eyebrow arching in surprise.

The archer snorted. "Please. It was only thanks to your meddling with him that got us another mission so soon after Budapest. Skulking and puppy-dog eyes never gets anyone else off scot-free with him."

"He's right." Cap piped up, swiping a pickle and keeping the last (very smushed) cake out of Tony's reach. "He only ever _not scowls_ when you're around. And I almost thought I saw the ghost of a smile on his face when you told him about the guy you shot in the… rear… that one time in Dubai."

Tony stopped jumping in vain for the treat. "Dubai? I think I went there when you were there. That was seriously what you were up to? Shooting guys in the..." his voice trailed off in a nearly perfect imitation of Steve's, "...ass?"

"Language, Shorty," Steve said, amused as Stark continued to try and jump after the last cake. "And that's all classified, you probably caught us the second time we were there."

"Well, what was going on during the first time? And I'm not short." Tony whined. Steve pushed his head down and ruffled his hair up. At last, Tony gave up on trying to reclaim the treat and settled on checking the damages online while refining the code for a new AI. He missed JARVIS.

"That's classified." Clint, Natasha, and Steve stated, like a well-rehearsed choir. "And you are pretty short." Bruce pointed out.

"No, the great Tony Stark couldn't possibly be short, as I'm simply…" Tony's eyes widened as he looked down at the tablet he was holding in horror. "Fuck. I'm going to kill Fury for not pulling this shit down. The media is going to have a field day…"

* * *

 **And that's it for this chapter, I just wanted to have one out ASAP. Be prepared for pranks and fluffy madness soon. How does a Home Alone type of thing sound, but with the Avengers out and Peter and Shuri left alone in the facility with some rogue SHIELD agents and their HYDRA friends? Let me know, it's just an idea I'd like to try.**


	6. Chapter 6

**Hello again! Had a terrible writer's block recently, but enjoy this chapter! Sorry it's been so long though.**

* * *

The Avengers wandered back into the lounge with Tony and Bruce discussing (arguing) about investigating the possibility of being _characters_ in a story for someone's amusement. Impossible, right?

"Tony, with the idea of a multiverse with infinite possib-"

"I get it, Bruce. Ideas like that are almost always on my mind. But that's all they are at this point without proof: Ideas. This guy's obviously missing a few screws, and so what if he has a fake film on a likely hacked Netflix account about us? And Nat's getting rid of either love notes or terrible fanfic in her room from him at this point, so it's probably just all a big joke to him. Just like his life, seeing as he came here to mess with me… I mean, us." Tony interrupted, noting Hawkeye and Steve rolling their eyes and exchanging a look at his last statement.

"But you're not acknowledging the fact that-"

"Bruce, this isn't our problem, and it's too full of ridiculous complications to waste time on. Let's have a drink, review the footage, have another drink, clean up the mess, undo the pranks, and get wasted. This calls for that kind of celebration when it's all over." Tony dropped a hand on Bruce's shoulder, who was still unhappy about being dismissed so quickly when there was so much to discuss. Tony picked up on it and sweetened the deal while leading him back to the couch. "Besides, I can get you a hotel room tonight and maybe find a bottle of the obscenely expensive whatever you wanted to try." Bruce considered it for a moment and nodded before walking back to his chair and settling in.

The rest of the men piled on the couch, waiting for Natasha to return so they could all keep watching the footage. She came back with a large metal basket and gasoline, the latter filled with paper with cursive printed on it in red and black. Nat started arranging a few of the piles in the fireplace (unfortunately, there was too much paper to be efficiently shredded or safely burned at once unless someone was really bored or just wanted a bonfire) and carefully pouring gasoline over the heaps. Once finished, she turned around and asked, "Clint, would you do the honors? There's gasoline on my hands and I can't trust Stark to do it without him reading the rest." The archer grinned and took her spot while she left to wash her hands off. When she got back, the team was waiting obediently -and rather suspiciously- for her, not moving a muscle.

Nat looked expectantly at Bruce, waiting for his poker face to disappear under her gaze. He was holding up surprisingly well, keeping eye contact and a straight face. _Damn, he's getting better at this. Time for the big guns._ "Bruuuucieeee…" she simpered, pouting in an almost comedic manner. If it had been directed at Tony, maybe Bruce would have laughed. Just like how the rest of the group was trying desperately not to. Finally, he looked away and blurted, "It wasn't me! They did it!" while going pink in the face.

"Bruce, you ratted us out." groaned Tony, sinking back into the couch. Steve grinned and Clint put his head in his hands. "He promised to share the 'mouthwash', Nat. Plus, he already had the _pictures,_ and there was no stopping both of them after that…" Nat raised an eyebrow at Steve, who promptly went red and started trying to give her an apology and some silly excuse they both knew she wouldn't believe but might accept anyway.

"Steve, I'm not mad, just… disappointed. Start up the 'movie' already, Tony, before I start thinking about a much worse revenge plot for you."

 **12:15 pm. The lounge.**

 _Deadpool considers watching it for a few moments, hovering over the play button. "Too boring. Give it a few years. No spoilers, 'specially with the…" He dramatically pauses but goes on in a deep, foreboding 'scary' voice. "After credits."_

"Oh, come on!" complained Hawkeye. "Infuriating little prick. Perfectly good stuff, unless it was Budapest and the time I…"

Tony took it as his turn to interrupt as the footage went on. "Yeah, nothing could be more interesting than _me._ But then again, this guy's not all there."

"Shut up, boys. And Clint, it seems that you and I remember Budapest very differently," warned Natasha, watching the screen intently.

 _Deadpool continues to browse Netflix before settling on something even Tony had never heard of called Jane the Virgin. He watches it for an hour while feasting disgustingly at an alarming rate, laughing and inserting jokes occasionally in Spanish._

Tony sped up the footage until Steve noticed that Deadpool was moving around.

 **1:17 pm. The lounge.**

" _Ha-ha, good old Jane. Hope you don't get the hots for the baby daddy!" Deadpool hoots before flinging some sour cream at the wall with a spoon. "I'm bored now. You know what time it is, kiddos!" He starts dancing around the room very awkwardly before taking out a smaller box from the tub labeled "Traps" and plopping down on the couch with it. He opens the box up to reveal red, white, and black sharpies, crayons, colored pencils, pens, and of course….._

" _SPRAY PAINT! IT'S VANDALISM TIME, KIDS! WOOOOOOHOOOOOO!" Deadpool shrieks and bounces around on the couches like a kid with a birthday on Christmas Day that actually got the double presents they were expecting. "Deadpool's Extreme Home Rehab: Avengers Compound. Today we're looking at a notoriously bland and dull residential wing. Absolutely tasteless. Let's start with the decor." He pauses and looks at the blank wall above the couch. "Could use a touch of Deadpool, but I currently don't have any severed heads. Keyword: currently." He giggles and starts spraying his logo above the couch and leaving random messages and doodles around the room. "These pictures could use some manual photoshopping. Don't mind if I do..." Deadpool scribbles mustaches, arrows through heads, beards, hats, and otherwise defaces photos hanging on the walls in the lounge and the hallways. "This one's for Nicky-boy!" Deadpool scribbles something on the team picture as a finishing touch._

The Avengers turn immediately to the picture. Nat spotted what he did immediately, nudging Clint, who promptly busted out into a fit of laughter. "Fury's going to kill him if Tony doesn't!" he exclaimed. "Hey!" Tony complained. A look from Steve shut both up before they could start arguing.

" _Extreme Home Rehab presents: ceiling decorations." He heads into the kitchen and finds shredded cheese in the fridge, putting it into a bowl and microwaving it. He takes the bowl and a spoon back out to the lounge, flinging cheese onto the ceiling. "Spy gets hit on the head in three… two… one…"_

Clint and Natasha simultaneously looked up, moments before the rest of the Avengers. Steve's serum-enhanced reflexes let him dive out of the way and under the table just in time before a clump of slightly moldy cheese hit Clint on the face, folding like a pancake over his head. _FWAPF!_

 _Deadpool snickers. "Called it! If not, fuck off."_

Clint pulled the cheese off of his face, cursing. Tony was laughing and rolling on the floor, also swearing colorfully about how funny it was while Nat threw cheese that hit a nearby lamp at him in retaliation, also muttering angrily in Russian. Bruce even offered up a dirty word in exasperation at the childishness of his teammates.

"LAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANNNNNGUAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGE!" Cap bellowed. Everyone froze. "That's enough. Let's just get this over with so we can undo the pranks." Bruce apologized sheepishly and the rest of the group echoed him and got back into their seats. Clint stuck his tongue out at Tony and gave him the cheese. They exchanged a scowl and silly faces until they saw Steve glaring.

 _Deadpool looks through his bins and pulls out a notebook and puts away all of the 'art' supplies except for the spray paints and a pencil. "Redecorating part one- check. Begin part two!"_

* * *

 **And that's it for this chapter. Feel free to drop a review!**


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